Don’t give up.

Just six short months ago my life was at a standstill. Due to the wear and tear of being a professional dancer, I had seriously pulled my left hamstring. I always thought that when I had a life altering injury it would be my back or my knee. Although back and knee injuries are much worse, they often require surgery with a prescribed recovery. Hamstring injuries are much more elusive. No one really knows how long it can take to heal. In denial and jobless, I continued to dance and desperately audition on it for months. One particularly hectic morning, I forgot to pack my dance pants to wear under my skirt for an audition of West Side Story. I franticly ran around the garment district praying for a solution. Finally, I had to purchase an industrial sized pack of granny panties! By then I was too late to properly warm up for the audition (which always includes my hundred!) and dancing on it cold just made it worse. Finally, with much regret I realized I had better lay off of it or it wasn’t getting better. So, I went back to my roots. My Pilates roots that is.

At first I was unable to perform anything more than beginner Pilates exercises. I was pissed off and depressed not being able to dance for the first time in my life.  Somehow everyday I painstakingly practiced the basic Pilates repertoire. The hundred with bent knees, the 1/2 roll down, single leg circles with bent knees. Pilates was the only thing I could do to be physical and I clung to it like a girl overboard clings to her life raft. The days crept by like a death march and there was many a time during my long eight-month recovery (and my boyfriend can attest to this, he’s a saint by the way) that I was ready to throw up my hands. I was thoroughly convinced that I was never getting better, that I’d never be like I was before. I had resolved to give up my dreams. Before my injury I was an advanced Pilates student, and avid yogi, a professional dancer, a warrior. Being weak and in pain almost constantly drained my natural good nature and strength. I had no sense of who I was without my physicality. I wanted to give up and just be miserable and bitter, but I didn’t. Well at least not for long.

That’s when I started thinking, when do you know it’s time to give up? At what point do you accept where you’re at and just resign? As a Pilates instructor, I have had many a client try to convince me that they “can’t” get an exercise or “never will” progress. And although normally it’s an easy job to inspire them and convince them otherwise I was at a loss in my state. I could barely convince myself to get out of bed some mornings. I felt like a sham.  Who am I to lead others to recovery and health when I couldn’t inspire myself? My mentor overcame a serious neck injury with Pilates (and LOTS of hard work) and is now the strongest woman I know. I decided to make Mr. Pilates prove himself. It was him that said, “Rome wasn’t built in a day” and “Patience and persistence are vital qualities in the ultimate successful accomplishment of any worthwhile endeavor.” How do you begin to build without a single brick? Or be patient when you can’t seem to find anything worthwhile? Peter Drucker said “There is a risk you cannot afford to take, and there is the risk you cannot afford not to take.” Giving up gets you nothing. I decided to plant the seeds and try not to get discouraged if I didn’t see immediate results. So I pulled up my boot straps and kept going.

Here’s some tips that helped me:

1-    Find a mentor. When I lived in Los Angeles I had a Pilates instructor that knew my weakness and pushed me accordingly. Now in NYC I had to really look to find someone that inspired me. Taking with a great teacher motivates me to do the exercises correctly and do my homework.

2-    Do the things you don’t want to do. In my experience, the exercises and systems I loathe are the best ones for me. If I continued to only perform the easy exercises I’d have never gotten stronger. The added benefit of doing something you hate is the self confidence that only comes with slaying the demon.

3-    Limit stinkin’ thinkin’. Negative thoughts lead you down the road to no-where. Why not believe in the impossible?

4-    Progress is personal. Comparison to others is pointless. In the studio and in life. We’re all originals. There is no one just like you, so celebrate your unique-ness. Make the most of your sessions and focus on you!

 

Sometimes life takes you in a different direction than you were first headed, often at an entirely slower pace. Pilates is a constant. The specificity of the order and the precision of the exercises can lend comfort and familiarity during a time when nothing else can. I’ve been practicing Pilates for over ten years now (I’m older than you think!) and it always fits in my life wherever I’m at. Pilates is for you whether you’re healthy or injured, fit or out of shape, young or old, That is it’s magic. My advice is to you, take it or leave it, is not give up on yourself five minutes before the breakthrough occurs. In the end it’s always worth the effort, whatever the outcome.

The Egg Cream Incident

Today, I had my first real egg cream. The egg cream, for those of you who are not familiar with it, is a New York institution. An egg cream from Eisenberg’s Sandwich Shop on 5^th is as authentic as it gets. There is nothing like living and eating in New York City. Being from sunny California, I’ve never experienced a city with more history in every block, more life on every street corner. The energy here can either invigorate or flatten you, but living here is never boring. A typical day can start out with a plan. Go here, do this, and suddenly you just might find yourself having your first egg cream at a historical New York joint. Dave, one of the owners of Eisenberg’s, picked up on my California scent right away. “This is your first time here isn’t it?” Busted. Did I look so confused and out of place? Becoming a New Yorker takes practice and I’d been here almost 3 years now. I’d learned to navigate the subways, found the perfect comfortable shoes for all weather situations, even yelled at someone on the street. I was surely no virgin. But there’s no fooling a master. While I nervously looked on, wondering if I should remind him I wanted a chocolate egg cream not a vanilla, Dave juggled orders, called customers by name, and concocted egg creams all in a New York manner. Lightening speed, unfettered, and with a look of slightly disinterested ease, all from years of practice.

         Similarly, I remember the first time I had a Pilates session with my mentor. I was already professional dancer and had been practicing “Pilates” for at least 2 years, I was by no means a virgin, but again, there is no fooling a master. Shari hails form New York, and possesses all the characteristics of a good New Yorker. She is waay honest and sometimes painfully blunt. She’s quick witted with razor sharp intuition. She sussed out my inexperience from the get-go. After an hour of sweating and flailing like a fish out of water, I became fully aware I had a lot to learn.

Although Pilates is a complicated life-long practice, I realized I was ok where I was at….because that’s where I’m at. Shari taught me Pilates is in the details, it’s a technique. Good Pilates technique requires hard work. There’s no avoiding that, but when do we start accepting who we are and where we’re at in this very moment? “Progress not perfection”, I am always telling my clients. I have to learn to listen to my own advice. Learning new things, adapting to new places takes time. Instead of rushing towards our destination we can take our time and enjoy the journey. Yeah right. No seriously, I am proud of my California roots and where I’ve come from makes me who I am today. How do we think masters became masters anyway? Practice my dear, lots of practice. I’m sure Dave trashed a bunch of egg creams before creating his masterpiece. And I know Shari crashed and burned a teaser or two on her way to becoming my mentor. Mr. Pilates himself was aware of this as well and often said, “Rome wasn’t built in a day”. He expected his clients to mearly show up as themselves, work hard, and let his work happen.

What to do when you feel jealous….

When I moved to New York City three years ago from Los Angeles, it was decided by one phone call. I had been a dancer my whole life and had always dreamed of moving to the city to perform on Broadway. But as I got older, pushing 30, I realized the days of uprooting myself and sleeping on friends’ couches were pretty much over. I was too comfortable in my LA lifestyle to start all over again. This particular Friday my agent called with good news. I had booked a job, a major job, on Broadway. One catch. They wanted me there for rehearsal Monday!

I left Los Angeles for a temporary gig that ended up inspiring me to stay in New York City indefinitely. I was living my dreams in the most exciting city in America with a job on the Broadway stage. Just when things couldn’t get better, I met my boyfriend.

After a year, my contract ended. I thought getting another Broadway show should be easy. Think again. Week after week I would schlep every dance shoe I own on my back to a packed train, to a packed street, only to squeeze myself into a spandex unitard and THEN be forced to wait hours in a room full of 200 dancers. And although we share painfully obvious insecurities, some of them prance around like puffed up peacocks which is ridiculous because we all have to jump through hoop after fiery hoop…..only to get cut. Despite my boyfriends supportive and encouraging behavior, I was down, way down. As the unemployment turned from weeks into months, his six Broadway show resume started getting to me. The fact that he was still living my dream gradually made me fill with jealousy. While he dreamed – I was wide, wide, awake.

So, what do you do when you feel jealous? The definition of jealousy is: feeling or showing envy of someone or their achievements and advantages. This is, by all means not a socially acceptable emotion. No one willingly admits that they’re jealous. It’s one of those icky negative emotions like anger, distrust, and contempt. We say,  “I don’t feel those!”  If any admission is made it’s often downgraded to envy, which is really just the first step on the road to jealousy. The reality is, even if we don’t admit it, we all feel it.

I had a slap-in-the-face realization that things are very different when you move 3,000 miles away from familiarity. Twenty-nine years constructed a pretty full life. I had friends, work, and family. I had a life that was my own.  Now here, in NYC, where I’ve always wanted to be, I often felt lost, overwhelmed, unaccomplished, inexperienced, and inept. The weather is harsher than imagined. My field is more competitive. Everyone seems to be doing what I can’t. Life here is about survival of the fittest, and man am I OUT OF SHAPE!

But really, my jealousy was actually a mask. A façade to cover my fear of doing something I wanted but wasn’t brave enough to move beyond. As I examined my jealousy further, I realized that all jealousy is fear. The fear that we will not get what we want, the frustration that someone else seems to be getting it, even though we are too frightened to reach for it.

So, what to do next? When you’re at a crossroads there are only two roads to take, and one leads to nowhere.  Believe me, I was happy in my misery, and fed it with daily pitty parties that included lots of Ice cream, shoe shopping, and mojitos in the afternoon. Jealousy is the poison apple that corrodes our dreams. In the “Artist’s Way” author Julia Cameron writes: “The desire to be better than can choke off the desire to just be.” It is our intrinsic longing to be perfect, if that’s at all possible, that causes us to become paralyzed.  We, as in I, make excuses as to why things never work out for me and just stay stuck. Heading down the road to nowhere.

But what if this time we tried a different approach? Went to the mental ‘gym’, built our resolve, eliminated the ability to blame circumstances for our deficiencies? Marianne Williamson says, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure” The jealousy is just a distraction from ourselves and our selves are where the power lies.

It is here that I gain the lessons I need to learn through Pilates. Mr. Joseph Pilates was a brilliant man and knew “It is the mind that builds the body”. Through doing my daily Pilates workout, I gain strength both mentally and physically. Every aspect of life is affected. The way I move, the way I feel, the way I think. I start with the most basic exercises like the hundred and the roll-up. With every workout I can feel my powerhouse becoming stronger and more connected. My mind becomes clearer and more focused. Suddenly I’m sailing through more intimidating exercises like the teaser and the long spine, and as a result of my hard work I am rewarded with inner and outer strength and am satisfied. I am doing something for me, about me. My jealousy magically begins to dwindle.

Jealousy now has become a gift, as so many of life’s seemingly negative experiences are. Not just an exercise program, Pilates gave me the key to reclaiming my life. Pilates is a workout and hard work yields results on the mat and off. In Pilates as well as in life what you put into it is what you get out. Pilates inspires me to work harder and reminds me what is important in my life. Even fifty years later Joe’s advice still rings true. Only I have the power to become “the architect of my own happiness.”